We’ve all heard it before—whether from a parent, teacher, or someone trying to get our attention: “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” For many people, making eye contact is seen as a sign of attentiveness and respect. But for me, as someone with ADHD Combination, this simple act feels like trying to juggle while reciting poetry—completely overwhelming and counterproductive.
My Ah-Ha Moment
It wasn’t until my ADHD diagnosis that I began to understand why looking at someone while they’re talking doesn’t work for me. When I focus on maintaining eye contact, my brain shifts into overdrive. I start analyzing their facial expressions, their body language, even the subtle shifts in their tone—and suddenly, I’m no longer hearing the words they’re saying.
For years, I thought this meant something was wrong with me. But the truth is, this is just how my brain works. Once I realized this, I gave myself permission to look away when someone is speaking, so I could truly hear them.
This small adjustment has had a profound impact on how I communicate and connect with others. I explain to people, “If I’m looking away while you’re talking, it’s not that I’m ignoring you—it’s actually the opposite. I’m giving you my full attention.”
The Science Behind It
For many neurodivergent individuals, multitasking (like maintaining eye contact while processing speech) can feel like sensory overload. By allowing myself to look away, I’m freeing up mental bandwidth to focus on what matters: the message.
This revelation has been liberating, both personally and professionally. Instead of forcing myself to conform to a neurotypical expectation, I’ve embraced a strategy that works for me and helps me engage more deeply.
Breaking The Stigma
There’s a stigma attached to breaking eye contact—people often assume it signals disinterest or even disrespect. But for neurodivergent individuals, the reality can be quite the opposite. Explaining this to others can help break down these misconceptions and foster greater understanding.
This realization has become a key point in my advocacy work. By sharing my experience, I hope to encourage others to explore what works best for them and to feel empowered to communicate their needs without shame.
A Deeper Dive and Watch My Video
I’ve shared more about this experience, along with practical tips for navigating similar challenges, in a video on my YouTube channel. You can watch it here.
In the video, I delve deeper into the strategies I’ve developed, not just for listening and understanding but for explaining these needs to others in a way that builds bridges of understanding and respect.
Also, please subscribe to my channel
Embrace Your Communication Style
This experience has taught me that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to communication. For neurodivergent individuals, eye contact is not the gold standard—it’s just one way of connecting. Whether you’re the one struggling to maintain eye contact or the one wondering why someone won’t look at you, a little understanding goes a long way.
For me, the phrase “Look at me when I’m talking to you” has transformed from a source of frustration to a moment of empowerment. Now, I focus on what works best for me—and I encourage you to do the same.
Let’s keep breaking down barriers and building connections. What are your strategies for navigating communication challenges? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or on my YouTube channel!
This blog post, like my video, is part of my mission to provide insights and tools for neurodivergent individuals and those who want to better understand and support us. Together, we can foster a world where diverse communication styles are celebrated.
Action Items for the Neurodivergent Person
If you’ve realized that maintaining eye contact interferes with your ability to truly listen and comprehend, here are some strategies to help you navigate this challenge.
Communicate Your Needs
- Let others know that breaking eye contact helps you focus on what they’re saying.
- “I’m listening more effectively when I’m not making direct eye contact.”
- “If I look away, it’s because I’m focusing on your words, not ignoring you.”
Use Active Listening Techniques
- Nod or provide verbal affirmations like “I see,” “That makes sense,” or “Go on” to show you’re engaged, even if you’re not making eye contact.
Create an Alternative Focus
- Look at the person’s shoulder or hands instead of their eyes to reduce pressure while maintaining a semblance of connection.
- If on a video call, position your screen or camera at an angle where you can listen without staring directly.
Use Tools for Better Communication
- Carry a notebook to jot down key points during conversations, which can also visually demonstrate your attentiveness.
- Practice summarizing or repeating back what was said to confirm understanding.
Be Kind to Yourself
- Embrace that your way of processing is valid. Celebrate the moments you feel truly connected, even if it doesn’t look traditional.
Action Items for the Neurotypical Person
Understanding and adapting to neurodivergent communication styles can foster better relationships and reduce misunderstandings. Here’s how you can help.
Challenge Assumptions About Eye Contact
- Recognize that eye contact isn’t the only or best indicator of attentiveness for everyone. Avoid assuming someone is disinterested or disrespectful just because they’re not looking at you.
Ask, Don’t Assume
- If you’re unsure whether someone is paying attention, kindly ask.
- “Are you following me okay?”
- “Would it help if I rephrased that?”
- This approach shows understanding rather than judgment.
Focus on the Bigger Picture
- Pay attention to other cues, such as verbal responses, body language, or follow-up questions, to gauge engagement.
Be Open to New Communication Norms
- If someone explains that breaking eye contact helps them focus, affirm their choice by saying.
- “Thanks for letting me know—that makes sense.”
- This small act validates their experience and strengthens rapport.
Educate Yourself
- Learn about neurodivergence through resources, blogs, and conversations with neurodivergent individuals. Building awareness helps dismantle stereotypes.
Practice Patience
- Remember that meaningful communication is about connection, not conformity. Focus on understanding rather than enforcing specific behaviors.
By incorporating these action items, both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals can create more meaningful, inclusive communication. Whether it’s allowing space for unique styles or stepping outside of traditional norms, understanding each other’s needs is key.
Let me know how these strategies resonate with you, and feel free to share your experiences on my YouTube channel! Together, we can create a world where everyone feels heard and respected.
